I Don't Like (old) Nintendo

Super Mario Bros 3? It’s alright. The original Zelda on the NES? Never played it, don’t want too. Mainly because Link to the Past was really annoying.

 These statements would be seen as controversial and plain old shit stirring to the average seasoned gamer or Nintendo fan. Was that my aim? To provoke rage and grab attention? Well no, I said them because they’re my genuine opinions.

Nintendo recently announced the NES Mini, a tiny recreation of their first home console. It releases this Christmas for around £50 and it’ll be fricking huge. It didn’t seem to me like a big announcement at the time, my first reaction being one of “well that’s a bit of a novelty.” Then I see it shared all over Facebook and Twitter by folks who wouldn’t normally talk about games outside of FIFA. Nintendo have a hit on their hands. Do I want one? Well… no. I love the idea, I love the nostalgia that’s captured in its look and I’d happily display it in my home as my take on an ornament. Do I want to play it though? Thirty games packed in, retro classics there to speak to the heart of any lad around my age and say “you loved these once!! Buy them again!” Sorry but nope.

It amazes me now to discover how much patience I had when I was younger. To play retro games now is a test of willpower, to die and die and keep going on… How could I be arsed? Back when I was a kid my parents would quite stringently say “you can’t have a new game until you’ve completed that one.” Of course they also hoped that it would take me a year to do so before Santa came back round again. Back then I had no choice. I also had no fricking save points. When you died for the umpteenth time and you had used all your life’s… well, that may have been the start of many a tantrum. To try it again, to get past that part, you had go from the start. You had to wait until the following Saturday really because you knew you needed at least three hours to get it all done before the family would repossess the TV for Baywatch at dinner time. 

 

Now? Now I’ve got way too many games to play and TV shows to watch and friends to speak to, a wife to give attention too. I can’t afford to die twenty times at the same point and then repeat what I’ve done over the past two hours. I need to progress in a timely manner. I have no patience

It’s maybe more than that too. Games have changed and moved on. I find myself declaring love for Mario Galaxy, 64 and 3D World but yet 2D Mario barely raises a smile. Yet I know so many people who say the opposite. I’ve pondered at times how I find the new 3D Mario’s a lot easier and less frustrating than their old school counterparts yet people who I’d say game casually (that’s not a slight, they just don’t obsess like I do) find the 2D games easier to play. In a way it makes sense, at their core the old games are easier to learn. You’ve got left, right and jump. Simple. Their difficulty lies in timing and practice, in perfecting that pixel perfect jump. The new games relay on a greater sense of space and navigation, in using a multitude of buttons to perform gymnastics around 3D constructions. Twenty years on from playing Mario 64 I’ve become accustomed to 3D space in games and I suppose some others haven’t. However I’m still allowed to get annoyed when someone who can’t work two control sticks in 3D world can manage the kind of well-timed jumps in Mario Bros I’d be jealous of.

Nostalgias a lovely thing, that sense of warmth when something from your childhood comes round again. I recently saw The BFG and felt it, I’ve seen numerous cartoons which stirred it and even the new Ghostbusters (a film I didn’t like) gave me moments of fond reflection. With games however I find it a whole lot harder. Technology changes things and what was once fun can now be seen as slow and frustrating. We’re in a world of instant gratification, of quick wins and of 140 characters being the ideal length for commentary. I’m surprised you’re still reading this… 

At the end of all that… I don’t want a NES Mini. I don’t want to play old games. I’ll take new games that remind me of them though! I still like nostalgia damn it, it’s just the thought of it tends to beat the reality…

Late to the Party: Pokemon Go

You may have heard of a little app that goes by the name of Pokémon Go… Released in to the wild subtly, with not an advert on the telly, it has just about become the biggest thing ever. Hundreds of articles and tweets have covered this phenomenon, so here I am as a guy who writes blogs for a hobby, being a week too late to say anything really new. 

What a fun week it was though. Social media was filled with stories of people playing the game, of retail inviting people in and of residents sending people away. Pictures of workplace posters telling people to stop playing and memes upon memes of Pokémon filled randomness. I gorged it on it and it was tasty. I didn’t even get the app until Thursday, by which point I was doomed to being late to the biggest party in all of cyberspace. Since then I’ve played it for short bursts, catching those ones that look like pigeons and rats. 

Yes, despite being a long time Nintendo fan I never got in to Pokémon. Don’t even know why. Tried Pokémon Y about 2 years ago and hated it, traded it in. Now I’m asking my mates what you call the one with blonde hair in a dress, you know the one that looks like a fish in drag? 

Point one (for it’s not a completely pointless blog)… Despite not being a fan, and despite not yet finding the app that amazing, I am in love with it. The talking about it, the walking about and seeing other folk playing it, the way it’s taken over popular conscience. I love that people that normally wouldn’t join in gaming chats are intrigued by this app. I am amused by walking around Belfast and knowing that folk I walk past are doing the exact same as me. There’s even been the occasional mutual smirk to acknowledge that yes we’re strangers but we’re geeky as flip. It’s super-secret high five. 

Also related to the same point… It’s a bloody lovely news story. Some people seem intent on mocking the players of it, of criticising it as a childish endeavour. It is childish and it is silly, but after listening to a month of Brexit talk and watching what happened in Nice and Turkey last week… Can’t we just embrace this bit of innocence? It’s been a welcome diversion.

Point two: Will it last? Probably not. It’s got so big, so quickly that it can’t really sustain the momentum. It also relies hugely on the weather, hence releasing in the summer. It’ll be dead by winter. Or I could be wrong, I may have written a blog before declaring Miitomo as the next big thing. 

What’s Miitomo? 

Exactly.

Does it need to last though? Haven’t we all realised yet that this app is just about the largest and most ingenious marketing campaign ever. I said at the top of this blog that the app released without any ads. That’s because it is an ad, for Pokémon. Sales of the 3DS titles went up by 150% in the UK last week. Brand new 3DS Pokémon games release this Christmas for £30 a pop. You’ve got your free app now but many of you will end of buying a game later in the year, if not for yourself then as a present for kids you know. How long till the cards get released? Rumours have picked up that Hollywood’s fighting over rights to a live action movie. New cuddly Jigglypuffs will surely flood stores soon. 

The app may be short term but the brand isn’t. Pokémon has lasted 20 years now and even after this app goes the way of Draw Something (remember that?!) the full games and merchandise will keep chugging along. So many people my age have picked up the app due to nostalgia for games they grew up on, so many younger people have been given their introduction of Pikachu and Squirtle. In 20 years they’ll maybe be buying genetically created Pokémon pets in the next nostalgia laced craze. Or maybe I’m being silly.  Still, being silly can be fun for a time.

The Ghostbusters Review

So I got round to see Ghostbusters… That film which seems to have built up the same level of internet hatred as Boris Johnson and Taylor Swift combined. That campaign against it has been kind of annoying to be fair. Mainly because it meant I wasn’t allowed to say the film looked a bit shit without being labelled a sexist pig. I like women!! I know some!! 

Do I hate the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters? Nope (one of my favourite casting rumours was Emma Stone) Do I like Melissa McCarthy and director Paul Feig (Bridesmaids, The Heat)? Meh…

Did I like this reboot? That’s the main question. The answer is that technically no, I didn’t. I didn’t like it either but it also didn’t make me want to rip out my eardrums and punch my eyeballs inward. Batman vs Superman made me feel that level of hatred. This film is largely inoffensive and reasonably watchable. The problem is that it’s just not funny.

The opening scene has some weird lines that made me go “wha?” instead of laugh. And the same character is involved in a joke about shit that happens to be a shit joke. There’s a fart gag too, just to make you realise that your cinema ticket purchase helps the fund the wages of whatever 12 year old wrote this. There’s probably other jokes too, but I can’t really remember them.

Good stuff? Well for once I didn’t hate McCarthy. I know she’s loved by many but I genuinely felt she was the worst part of Bridesmaids. Especially the shitting in a sink part. It seems I don’t like poop jokes… In this she was alright. Pleasant enough character, nothing to hate about her. But then there’s not much too really say about her either. I can’t remember her character’s name. 

I can’t remember any of their names apart from Holtzman. She was the only character who offered anything different, a bit of quirk. Again though I can’t really say she was brilliant, she was just a bit more memorable. 

Erm I’m still talking good stuff, promise. The music! The car! The proton packs and their visuals. The whole concept of four folks catching ghosts. Basically everything the first film did. The nostalgia factor keeps it watchable but then at the same time you’re left wondering just how much fun a really good new Ghostbusters would be. It’s a big missed opportunity.

That’s the bad and the decent covered, now for the truly atrocious. Chris Hemsworth. His character, an idiot but attractive receptionist, has to be one of the worst creations I’ve ever witnessed in any comedy ever. Truly, utterly, soul destroying-ly awful. Every time his character did something dumb I wanted to cram popcorn under my eyelids. The trailers gave a hint that he’d be a dopey idiot, there for eye candy. The idea isn’t a bad one but they take it to the most ridiculous extremes. Kill him, kill him with fire. 

Oh and there’s ghosts in it and special effects and stuff. Some of it looked grand but loads just felt like way too much. Like the makers had been given a bucket of visual gimmicks and decided to just fling everything at a camera lens. I’ve seen Disney films with a smaller colour palette.

Think that sums it up really. I don’t give out star ratings but it’s better than the new Independence Day. And BvS. And Fantastic Four. Yeah it’s just above some horrible company. Not the worst film in the world then, but a big old wasted opportunity.

Did it destroy my childhood and deserve the online smear campaign? Well no, that’s just bloody stupid. Go watch the old film and chill out. Or sing the theme tune aloud in public. Then watch others join you. Just don’t ask them which films their favourite, that music’s fun for all folks.