The X-Men Apocalypse verbal barrage of geekery...

I’ll start by clarifying that I don’t see myself as a film reviewer, I just like talking about them. The reason I’m making that clear is that I’m going to tell you everything that’s wrong with X-Men Apocalypse, then I’m going to tell you to ignore me because I fricking loved it.

First half of this blog shall be spoiler free, because telling you what I buzzed about is all spoiler-ific. Apart from Psylocke. Yeah she was given about as much character as a box of porridge but they aced her outfit and when she first showed her powers… I got goose bumps.

If you don’t know who she is then there’s a fair chance you won’t enjoy this quite as much as me. It’s filled with stuff lifted straight from the comics and old films, nods and winks to the folks like me who adore this stuff and have to explain bits to regular folks after. Then there’s the new younger versions of characters like Jean Grey and Storm that give enough hints that they’re going to correct some mistakes of the films past. If you’ve only seen the films then you probably didn’t know that Halle berry is a fricking terrible Storm. I like the little bit we got of this new one though.

I’ve gone off on tangents here, and if I don’t start saying what I didn’t like then I’ll have to rewrite the whole first paragraph. I get excited, sorry…

The plot and villain are completely by the numbers and even backwards. It lacks the cleverness or structure of Civil War or even Days of Future Past. Bad guy shows up and does stuff until everyone meets up at the end and fights him. Done. The character development that I’ve praised the X-Men films before is a bit lacking too. There’s too many people here and not enough for them all to do. Magneto is the big exception for a large part of the film (I’ll not mention or think about his part in the finale too much). His best scene comes early in the film, showing two sides of the character and the conflict of who he really is. (The bit in the forest if you have seen it)

The main villain is Apocalypse and well he’s a bit guff. He looks silly, he talks stupid and really he’s just there as an excuse to get all the good characters together at the end for a big old punch up. His horsemen suffer similar fates, with about two words said between but hey… Psylocke looked ace.

Other problem was the script. Loads of it felt poorly written with some really stiff dialogue and sentences that could be lifted the ‘Dummies Guide to Writing Superheroes’ (the entire Batman V Superman script is in there).

Non spoilery stuff I did like: Jean and Scott. Hints at the start of the relationship we all know will happen. There introductions in general I loved to be fair, I enjoy seeing the young characters dealing with hormones and genetically gifted superpowers at the same time. That’s part and parcel of X-Men. 

QUICKSILVER!! They repeat his nifty scene from the last film but go way, way bigger. Original? Nope. Fun as all heck? Oh yeah…. Psylockes outfit, Psylockes power. Oh I mentioned Psylocke? Just need to let her speak more next time!! Otherwise she’s just eye candy and my reviews will sound like pervs corner.

Erm that’s it, it probably sounds a bit crap now. But it’s got all this other stuff!! Don’t read this bit till after you’ve seen the film…

*****SPOILERS AHEAD*******

Storm is introduced as a thief, just like in the comics. She has an accent so let’s hope they don’t change it like Berry did over 3 films. And she just looks a bit fiercer than Berry ever did. Storm in the comics was the obvious leader after Cyclops, commanding respect and generally being an ass whooper.

Wolverine has a cameo in which he wears the Weapon X garb from the old comic storyline. Eek!

Prof X finally having a psychic battle, that’s a film first

Jean Grey showing off the Phoenix. If you only know the films then think back to Jean going bad in X-Men 3, although it really didn’t do it justice. Hopefully they can now get it right in future films.

Magnetos use of that necklace

All the X-Men just teaming up at the end. It’s not original or new but it’s how the X-Men should be.

****SPOILERS END****

Yeah I absolutely geeked out at this. Will I feel the same after multiple viewings? Maybe not, but I don’t care. I’ll be too busy enjoying X-Men 7 and 8 etc. Now give me fricking Jubilee and do Rogue and Gambit justice. Please

Social TV

Chances are that within your field of vision right now there happens to be a TV. Look at that, I’ve gone psychic… How you’re using that magical rectangle though, and how you’re consuming its sensory goodness isn’t just as obvious. Are you watching something you’ve downloaded, binging on Netflix or are you one of these old fashioned types, watching a show that’s on a channel right now? Crazy talk.

TV has been steadily evolving, like a Skynet we kind of like. We’re all slaves to the sofa now but when we’re getting our eyes massaged we can’t really complain.  The common consensus is that TV will keep changing, that watching live TV will become a thing of the past and Netflix or Prime will be the standard for TV. In the future you won’t look at a TV guide to see what time that show starts, it’ll be there ready and waiting for a time convenient to you.

My theory? 

Bollocks.  Well a bit. It’s blooming great that we have these services, I love that I can watch Daredevil on a whim or laugh at ‘mature,’ sitcoms while eating my breakfast. I don’t watch loads of TV to be fair but I know plenty of folk that can clear a full series in a week. They’re insane obviously, but it’s nice that they’ve got a hobby to keep that insanity in check…

The flaw in the theory? The reason that this form of TV is only 50% of the future.

Talking. 

How many of you fine folks spent the early part of Tuesday morning saying “Did you see Game of Thrones last night? That bit with the people in the place, doing the stuff!!” It’s a weekly work conversation, giving us five minutes relief from the usual chats about what we have for dinner. Game of Thrones is one of a few shows that have become a weekly event, an hour of TV brilliance that you have to see as soon as possible because you know it’s going to be great but also because you’re going to want to talk about it. The same applies to The Walking Dead or even The Great British Bake Off (yes really). I skipped the Walking Dead myself and I regret it now, if only because I want to join in the noise barrage of oohs, aaahs and ‘OMFG.’ 

Other more obvious examples include sporting events and the talent(less) shows like X Factor. Will Netflix ever join in these markets? Seems obvious to say that there’s no point, but then their progression hasn’t exactly been easy to predict. When it first appeared with a collection of old shows and films we couldn’t have known they’d be making their own productions down the line, including a major deal with Marvel. They’re also about to launch their first chat show, a format that’s a mainstay in America but has always been live and late night. So who fricking knows?

The only thing I do know is that we’ll always talk to each other about what we’ve seen. We still talk about the box sets and our streaming binges but it’s not quite as much fun as dissecting one hour a week of event TV. Talking to whoever who share a sofa with, whatsappin your mates, tweeting, facebooking… Verbalising your enjoyment in 140 characters or a series of emojis. 

If you think I’m wrong, if you’d rather just wait till the whole series is complete… Well then you probably should stay of the internet. And you better have some damn exciting dinners to tell your workmates about.